Have you built walls around your heart in order to protect yourself? It is rare that I will meet an adult who has not done so. Most adults have a list of names of people who have hurt them. Eventually they become some sort of island fortress. They strive to not allow themselves to feel anything too strong for another person. Perhaps the person you are involved with now is the one who pushed you to put the final brick in the wall. If you have learned to shut your partner out of your heart, I want to challenge you to make another attempt at reconnecting with them. Do not allow yourself to become lifeless. It is a slow and painful death if you do.
Maybe the relationship got off track because you viewed it as serious business. Too many people try so hard to prevent the mistakes their parents made that they regard a relationship as a task. A relationship does not need to be seen as a task. Instead, it should be viewed as something to be enjoyed. You can kill the love between you rather quickly if you stop the enjoyment of your partner’s company. I appreciate the notion that you do not want to repeat the dysfunctional aspects that your parents had in their relationship. Perhaps your serious approach towards relationships is based on past failures of your own. Whatever your reason, decide to enjoy your relationship.
Either of these guarded approaches can lead to falling out of love. Unfortunately, the whole “falling out of love” thing is very common. If this has happened to you, let me show you a way to reverse this process.
You will probably question, “What’s the use?”
It will seem that the relationship is over. Do not fall for this lie. Penetrate past the pain and the fears you may be feeling.
Decide now to do whatever it takes to make your partner happy. Demand your best efforts from yourself. The common response is to vacillate between a fair amount of effort and rare episodes of attention. Instruct yourself to go the extra mile and then some. Rigorous effort will deliver the ideal results.
“But I don’t know what to do!” you exclaim.
Yes, you do. Reflect back to the things you used to do that made your partner happy. What did you do? I bet your were quite charming. Your partner was probably enchanted by your wit and thoughtfulness. Most, likely, you paid more attention to your appearance. Pursue your partner with the same amount of enthusiasm and passion.
Many years ago, my wife approached me with some photographs taken when we began dating. I immediately smiled. You could easily see the passion between us. We looked like two lions about to devour each other.
Soon the smile faded as I compared the photographs in my hands with those on the mantel. Even though we appeared happy in the more recent pictures, they did not have the same degree of passion. I felt sad as I realized how the years had whittled away the romantic intensity.
Lucky for me that I focus more on solutions than I do on obstacles. I started thinking of how to restore the level of passion. I knew I couldn’t make her look at me the same way as the earlier photographs but I knew I could make myself look at her the same way. I spent some time recalling how I used to treat her. I was charming, funny, encouraging. I carried myself differently. I held her more firmly. I gladly went out of my way for her. I decided to recapture this side of myself for the sake of my love for her.
Many times, I will run with an experiment like this without telling my wife what I am trying to do. This time I told her. She liked the idea and we both were able to recapture the passion. In fact, we not only rekindled the chemistry between us, we took it to a magnificent dimension.
Discouragement by the lack of immediate results can derail even the most motivated of men and women. Do not give up at signs of trouble. You cannot expect instant reconnection. This is a matter of consistency and patience.
You must be patient and consistent. No room exists for negative behavior. You have to show your partner a better offer. Believe me; they do not want the same old stuff that closed them down in the first place.
Operate from the premise that “It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”
Turning a relationship towards greatness will require sacrifice.
If you are not willing to go beyond the extra mile then you really are not serious. Your partner will see the lack of effort as well. It cannot be hidden. Talk is just talk unless it is backed up with action.
