11 SECRETS TO BETTER LISTENING
By Mark Webb, The Relationship Specialist
Two Ears and One Mouth — The Secrets To Better Listening by Mark Webb
“Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.” ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers
1) Listening Improves Everything.
It makes people feel appreciated and respected. It brings intimacy to relationships, self esteem to your children, and will save time and money in your career.
2) Keep The Golden Rule In Mind.
Listen to others the way you’d want them to listen to you.
“If speaking is silver, then listening is gold.” ~ Turkish Proverb
3) Give Your Full Attention To The Person Speaking.
Turn off the television. Turn down the volume on the radio. Don’t stare out the window or at whatever else is going on around you. Give the speaker a clear message that you are giving them your complete attention. Put down your book or magazine without getting aggravated. Very few people give this kind of respect. Notice how it comes back to you when it’s your turn to talk.
4) Use Non Verbal Cues That You Are Listening.
Sit up straight and slightly lean forward to convey interest in what’s being said. Look at the person talking with good eye contact. Nod occasionally to reinforce that you understand. Make facial expressions such as a smile, frown, laughing or silence. This tells the speaker that you are actively listening.
“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.” ~ Franklin P. Jones
5) Focus On What The Person Is Saying.
Don’t allow yourself to become a mind reader in which you can cleverly anticipate what the person is going to say next. This is one of the biggest breakdowns when it comes to listening. If you notice that your mind is starting to wander, change your body posture to more of an upright and attentive position. Tell your mind reading side to shut up and become more active in your listening. Make comments like “Really,” “You’re kidding,” or ask questions like “What did you do next?” “What did he say about that?”
6) Don’t Interrupt The Person Speaking.
Be courteous. Remember your manners. Even if you are listening, when you interrupt, you come across as rude and self centered. If you know you have a hard time of keeping your mouth shut when someone else is talking, I suggest you sit on your hands as a way to remind yourself to wait your turn.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” ~ Stephen Covey
7) Strive To Identify The Main Point.
What is the point that the person is trying to get across? Pay close attention to statements like “My point is….” or “The thing to keep in mind is….” This can be tough if the person talking is someone who thinks out loud or has a tendency to ramble. Be slow to interrupt them for clarification. Don’t blurt out “what is your point?” or “you’re rambling on and on again.” At a pause, let them know you are getting lost and are having trouble following them. It is good to ask questions for clarifications. I’m recommending you wait until they finish their thought before you try to rush them to make their point.
8) Ask Questions.
The person speaking wants you to understand what’s been said. Repeat in your own words what you’ve just heard. If it’s wrong, the speaker will be able to correct the particular point.
“Big egos have little ears.” ~ Robert Schuller
9) Wait Your Turn.
No wonder everybody seems to have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) these days. People can be so rude and inconsiderate. Don’t launch into what you’re going to say in response to the topic before they have finished talking. At this point, you are not listening but focused instead on your retort or your own ideas. You aren’t really listening if you are thinking about what you want to say next. Keep redirecting your mind to listening to what the person is saying. Readjust your posture again. Make eye contact again. Lean slightly forward. Every time you get derailed into your own thoughts, come back to these redirective strategies.
10) Wait Until The Speaker Is Finished Before You Decide You Disagree.
Strive not to make assumptions about what someone is saying or thinking. I overheard someone say that when they hear someone’s political affiliation and it’s different than theirs; they simple quit listening. So many differences could be resolved if we will make greater efforts to listen.
“There’s a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest.” ~ Michael P. Nichols
11) Wait Until They Finish Before You Defend Yourself.
The person speaking will feel as if they have had a chance to express themselves and their point has been made. You will have heard their entire viewpoint and they won’t have to keep starting and restarting. Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What did you mean when you said?” “Is this what you meant when you said…?” “I might have misunderstood you and I feel myself getting defensive.” This way, you’ll be able to make a wiser and more respectful response.
“Silence is a great source of strength.” ~ Lao Tzu
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles www.TheRelationshipSpecialist.com
