This is a subtitle for your new post
“Exhausting someone in an argument is not the same as convincing him.” ~ Tim Kreider
1) Don’t Raise Your Voice.
This first piece of advice will change everything. People are quick to become hostile and defensive once someone raises their voice. A raised voice will shut down communication very rapidly. Maintain a calm, well-modulated yet firm tone of voice.
2) Don’t Pile On Past Complaints In Order To Overwhelm Them.
Keep your focus on the matter at hand. People stockpile complaints in order to strengthen their argument. It overwhelms the other person with your recall of their past mistakes.
“Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.”~ Andrea Wachter, marriage counselor
3) Don’t Stuff Your Feelings To The Point Of Explosion.
If you continually suppress your feelings of hurt and anger, you will eventually explode like a grenade or worse; an atomic bomb. It is best to deal with your feelings as they come up. This doesn’t mean you have to address every upset feeling you have. You just need to prevent total avoidance of angry feelings. You can talk to the person you are upset with or you could choose to talk with your best friend or a trusted family member. The point is to not hold onto your feelings to a point of you blowing up irrationally.
4) Don’t Threaten The Future Of Your Relationship.
One of the most hurtful things you can do is threaten to end your relationship or friendship just because you are angry. Threatening to end your relationship immediately changes the level of trust, hope and commitment in the relationship. It creates an awareness that what you thought was special and unconditional can be given up on if you upset your partner. The truth is that everyone has certain conditions in a relationship but I don’t suggest you point these out simply because you are angry. Threatening to end a relationship should only be said if you truly mean it.
5) Stay Physically Close To Each Other.
This is not always possible or a good idea but if you are trying to talk out a difficult matter; staying close can express that you and the other person are a team and “we” need to find a solution to this challenge. Holding hands can say the same thing. And don’t jerk your hands away if something is said that upsets you. Stay focused on resolving the conflict.
“The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.”~ G. K. Chesterton
6) Agree To Make Small Changes.
If you and your partner constantly argue about silly things like how to load a dishwasher, then consider letting them be right and have their way. I wouldn’t want you to waste a day arguing about something that really doesn’t matter. The relationship is more important.
7) Take A Break If Needed.
If things start to get too heated; take a breather. Let the other person know you are getting upset and that you will come back at a later date and deal with this issue. Set a specific time so they don’t have to wonder if you are trying to dodge the problem. Make it a reasonable amount of time; not ten years from now.
“Sometimes, silence is the best way to win an argument.”~ Jorge P. Guerrero
8) Agree To Disagree.
If an argument is going nowhere and the cycle keeps repeating; then call it a draw. Take a nonjudgmental attitude that allows the other person to save face. Some people will never change their mind on certain subjects and it will only escalate an argument if you keep pushing the matter.
“The most important thing in an argument is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent, so that he can gracefully swing over to your side without too much apparent loss of face.”~ Sydney J. Harris
9) Take The Argument Somewhere Else.
Don’t let your home lose its sense of harmony. If you and someone you love are arguing and it is exhausting the both of you; consider going for a walk together or go together and get something to eat. Most people will act appropriately when they are in a public place; this automatically helps the situation. And most people feel better if they go for a walk or get a bite to eat.
10) Make It Clear That You Are Listening.
Turning your body away from the person who is speaking or rolling your eyes only escalates the other person’s anger. Face the person with a sincere expression, open body language that shows interest in what they are saying. Even pause from time to time and paraphrase what you are hearing them say. Be quick to listen and slow to become defensive or interrupt.
“It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.”~ Bill Murray
In Addition:
· Don’t Reinforce Bad Behavior. Don’t get pulled into an argument simply because the other person gets a distorted sense of power and satisfaction. Don’t react, just walk away instead of reinforcing this unhealthy way of getting attention.
· One of fastest ways to escalate an argument is to tell the other person to calm down.
· Don’t Be Abusive and Don’t Tolerate Abuse. Abuse can include someone slamming doors, throwing things and name calling. Not all abuse is physical. Verbal abuse is abuse. Leave the house if things start to overheat. Call the police if the situation escalates to physical abuse or you are frightened for your safety.
“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”~ Joseph Joubert
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles www.TheRelationshipSpecialist.com
